Being on a dating app by itself can feel like revealing too much of yourself to strangers - putting up a mirror for anyone to see into who you are as a person. But doing so as a disabled person makes you feel all the more vulnerable. Carrying my disability with myself to a dating app meant somehow opening myself up to discussions about it, where my disability was spoken about as if it was something tragic, and unfortunate. Several also lined up to console you that yes, I could in fact, find love and understanding despite my disability.
Speaking to a disabled person this way is harmful because it makes us feel all the more alienated from the world. To speak with us on dating apps, ask us about our favourite animal, whether we like the mountains or the beach, our zodiac sign - just what you would ask any other person who you were considering a form of companionship with. Don't mistake our presence there as an invitation to enquire into the functioning of our bodies, to question our disability or coddle us like children. We are complete thinking and feeling adults just like you are - and we are here because we feel lonely and seek out love, just like you. Either give us that, or go.
1. Please, don't compare us to that one disabled person you may know. Just like all human beings, each one of us is different. Instead of assuming our needs, take the time to get to know us, what we like and dislike, and wait for us to be comfortable telling you about them.
2. The onus lies on you and not on us to educate you. Just because we have a disability does not mean that we should be subjected to the labor of you hitting and missing and figuring out the right thing to say. Talk to us, like you would to anyone else. Bring our disability up when we want to talk about it, not when you want us to speak about it - it is not our job to make you comfortable with our bodies. When we speak and share our experiences, try to listen, and not question. Our body is ours only.
3. Speaking at us about our own disability is demeaning. You do not need to know every detail about it, until we are comfortable telling you. We may have challenges, we do not need you to make assumptions!
