My best friend and I bought vibrators one after the other, sitting together in a hostel room. Subtly displayed as Eye Massagers on Amazon (you can thank me later), this devices promised 'massages' that would leave you satisfied each time. Now, as a woman who had never orgasmed, my bar for satisfaction was very low, and since I was still figuring out what feeling horny actually meant, I thought this vibrator had a lot to teach me.
I was excited when it came into my life, because I expected this to be my sexual awakening. Being away from home, having a room to myself, and now having a vibrator - surely I had transformed into the woman I had always wanted to become.
But, there was one problem. My wrist. When I got over the initial awkwardness of being naked just for my own pleasure, I found that a vibrator was not all you needed to achieve pleasure, you also needed another thing not as spoken about as this device - the capability to hold and move it, and the finger strength and motor ability that requires.
My brain immediately rushed to all the outcomes my doctors had discussed with me as possible outcomes if I overused by hand, overuse in my context, meant something as simple as bending it too much to put a vibrator in me. I could get a sprain and terrible swelling. I could dislocate my wrist. I could break my fingers.
More than these possible outcomes, I thought of how the conversation with my rheumatologist would pan out. What I could possibly say if he asked me what I used my hand for? Was it possibly acceptable to say that it was to pleasure myself?
For us disabled women, most tradeoffs between pleasure and pain are not as sexy as BDSM. In fact, our tradeoffs, include on the dark side of pleasure - trips to the hospital, awkward explanations to a doctor, a sprained hand. No wonder then, that we never ever choose our pleasure, or put it first - Our bodies often feel like they are built solely for pain.
For us disabled women, most tradeoffs between pleasure and pain are not as sexy as BDSM. In fact, our tradeoffs, include on the dark side of pleasure - trips to the hospital, awkward explanations to a doctor, a sprained hand. No wonder then, that we never ever choose our pleasure, or put it first - Our bodies often feel like they are built solely for pain.
Maybe one day, I will feel confident enough to choose pleasure for once - even if it means pain and awkwardness later. Maybe one day, I won't feel so bad that this is a choice I have to make. Maybe one day, I won't feel guilty for wanting the same pleasures as other women. But until then - my vibrator must wait.
