Revival Disability Magazine presents little snippets of rebellion : instances from our community’s life : stories of re-claiming acceptance, joy, sorrow, belonging, solidarity, allyship, consent, self-love, productivity, discovering alternative disabled sexualities.
All my life I've tried to look "less disabled".
I've been obsessed with this idea of outwardly showing others that I'm not disabled, despite having a disability.
My internalised ableism told me, that Disabled folks would dress "Drab" and utterly boring. What was the sheer power of this "Otherness" that turned me against folks of my own community, you might ask?
There’s a certain discomfort in the air : an uneasiness with disabled bodies existing in society.
I’ve always tried to compensate for my disability - by thinking if I dress cool, if I wear a nose ring, if I don’t look like the ‘’typical’’ disabled person, everything will be alright : I’d cross my legs on the wheelchair to show people that I’m less disabled.
My relationship with my crutch was a complicated one. I would often hide my crutch behind my back whenever I was in a group photo, so that strangers viewing the photo wouldn’t notice the awkward girl with the crutch.
I began to think of my crutch as an inconvenience, rather than a mobility aid that made my life easier.
Truth is, my crutch had taken me on so many different adventures to so many different places with so many different people. Being disabled is so exciting! Everyday for a disabled person is an adventure : going from my hostel to my class was an adventure for me : I slowly started imagining it as a candy crush game, so many barriers to overcome, so many decisions to make, so many paths to take.
It took me 22 years to realise this. And so, now I work at undoing all that self-hatred that I had for my disabled body all these years, I actively work at unhiding my disability and help other’s unhide theirs. I’m unlearning all those years of internalised ableism.
