Why is my Queer Disabled identity so unacceptable to you?
I remember when I first entered college as a queer, disabled individual : Everyone was shocked to know that I was dating someone. It was as though I was breaking a norm : a norm that perpetuates bullshit stereotypes that disabled people are asexual, don't masturbate, don't have a sex life, don't date and are not desirous. People would often run to my friend wide-eyed and curious : asking details about my dating life.
Years ago, when I was 18 years old and trying to find my first boyfriend online, I used to often tell men (read : warn) that "I walk with a crutch and will that that be okay for you?” Some would be “kind” enough to overlook it. I considered myself "grateful" in these cases, some would be intrusive and ask several questions.
I have several identities, and my queer identity is an integral part of me. I identify as a bisexual woman.
I've encountered several bi-phobic comments over the years : Firstly, as mentioned above, people never believed that I could be sexual, or that I could have a dating life. Ironically, I went to a women's college and the bias has a lot to do with internalized misogyny that infantilizes disabled womxn and potrays them as helpless, in need of care, polite, non-assertive and innocent.
Secondly, bisexuality as a queer identity already has to fight so hard to even be represented. Bisexuality has been oppressed by majority of queer culture that claims "Bisexual's have it easy." and that we should just "Choose one." Queer culture has been known to be complicit when it comes to calling out bi-phobia. The first bi-phobia I encountered was my friend telling me, "oh but I hope you don't have a crush on me, that would be incredibly weird."
Cis-gendered men often perceive bisexuals as sex-crazed, threesome machines and my tinder chats are full of ignored men begging for threesomes the moment they see the word "bisexual" in my bio. Another bias I've seen in the queer community is that I can't know I'm bisexual "unless you kiss a girl." This urgency to force people to "experiment" in order to prove their sexuality is highly toxic
Why is my queer-disabled vagina so hard for you to accept? Why is my agency so hard for you to understand?
AGENCY 101 : written at an ungodly hour of 3:30 am
I wrote this piece when I was unable to sleep, with my mind full of unexplored ideas, excitement and, and sick rage.
1) Agency roams in the dark alleys of a woman's freedom when she's told not to go out beyond 6pm. It lurks behind, always keeping score. It never misses a turn.
2) Agency is that dimly lit half-broken, half-fused street light that no one tends to or cares about. It ultimately gets uprooted by the municipality due to ill treatment and ignorance.
3) Agency lies in muffled screams, voices that are silenced and sidelined, it lies in the unanswered questions, it lies in the frantic calls of a mother continually pressing on a speed dial when her daughter comes home 2 minutes after her deadline, it lies in the very concept of a deadline or the lack thereof, for a man.
4) Agency lies in the quick movements a woman makes on deserted roads, continually looking over her shoulder, hoping that she doesn't find a monster called patriarchy that asks questions such as "But why didn't you report?" "Why didn't you scream?" "Why were you wearing this?" "You deserve it!" "You have a demeanor that is 'prone' to assault"
5) Agency lies in the gendered gaze which refuses to perceive the sexuality of a disabled woman.
