Loving oneself, in it's truest form, is not an easy job I tell you. Especially if you come from a middle class brown family. I guess you know what I mean?
We have grown up seeing our mothers putting everyone's needs before them and forgetting their own somewhere in between. We have seen our fathers paying for our basic needs, education, tution, college, etc . and making love conditional by telling if we don't behave like good kids and give them top scores, good grades, selection in good college, etc. then we are unworthy and not good enough for not being able to stand upto their expectations. The list is endless. Then how does one learn about self love?
Then comes media and you realise maybe splurging money on clothes, products, food, etc. will be the way to it.
But the money you spend on yourself , you feel guilty. You treat yourself harsh for every tiny mistake you make. You call yourself a failure for not being able to manage things alone, for fuck ups, and again the list is endless.
So how does one fall in love with oneself? This doesn't look very easy.
Well there can be many ways that might lead you to it.
I guess for me, the road towards it was inner work. Starting to work towards healing my inner child traumas also needed me to re-parent myself. Be the loving compassionate forgiving parent I deserved but never got. But the road is rocky, let me tell you. It's full of bumps, ups and down. Coz' you are trying to do something and be someone whom you have never seen, never known.
You will end up going through the known ways time and again, but as long as you find your way back you are good! That's what I tell myself.
In my journey something that took most of time and it still does is acknowledging and accepting my disabilities. Acknowledging the things that I can't do at all or not as easily as an able bodied person.
Navigating this world with disabilities feels tough, but re-parenting my trauma might have always been difficult without it.
I guess I wouldn't have been able to love myself completely if I had never listened to my inner child when she told me about the things she can't do like others and find so difficult as well, and I would tell her- it's okay, you don't have to. I will figure out how to ask for help, seek support and you won't have to punish yourself thinking "why am I like this?"
It's a long long road and takes time, and patience and even more than that, making the choice to be a loving adult to my inner child. Sometimes we mess up but as long as you find your way back, you are good!
